Rings and Things and Finery

HEIN?! No. I can’t. I won’t.

Which led me to the wonderful site Tackyweddings. She’ll see your “grandma passed out at my reception” and raise you a “Lavish Irish Traveler Wedding Between Cousins“.

Whoops.

Yup. That looks about right.

And I just want you to know – that Hello Kitty makes wedding gowns now. Does each and every one have a hello kitty head somewhere on the front? Yup.

And then: how come I never get to go to this America?! Where are you hiding, elusive shamelessly illiterate and trashy hillbilly land?! And I don’t mean where can I find one of you. I mean, where is this magical land where the droves are hiding!

And in case you’re wondering, no. None of this takes the place of the pictures for which I was originally searching. Lord Jesus, how do I even begin… imagine…a skinny and visibly retarded product of inbreeding. And I do mean that literally, not in a funny way. He was clearly lacking the wisdom of a three year old. And by his side? A 600 pound sloptastic bride who was clearly gettin’ while the gettin’ was GOOD. She took him home and deSTROYed him. Promise. Man. I leaked from every possible orifice. Crying alone took years off of my life. Man, I can hardly get my breath just thinking about it. Jesu. FRABjous day. WHEW.

Man.

Just...cleansing the palate...

Okay, but I never noticed how I’ve got my bouquet in a serious chokehold. Dang.

 

ZOMG

I could give you cryptic updates – so as not to disclose my literal home address even by way of surrounding landmarks – but I think we’d both be better served by reading another entry from The Self-Publishing Review. I left a comment. So should you. This blog is fast becoming the wind beneath my wings.

My son: “Dad, it’s not lib-ary, it’s libRARY.”

*wipes tear* That’s my boy!!

 

A Big Bag Of Whatthedoodle.

Right, so that needs no explanation. But, you know what does? An ABC Family Movie called “Legally Blondes” in which the train wreck that began as a campy, tolerable movie with that Moon character from old-school McDonalds commercials culminates in a movie with TWO bottle blonds holding tiny chihuahuas going straight to TV (after a stint on BROADWAY with such timeless songs as “Blood In The Water” and … Legally Blonde ON STAGE, as if that’s not enough). Explain that. If you’re still here and have understood the previous sentence. In the immortal words of Matheson: “Getcho hands off me!”

Just tears.

There may be more later. Right now, I need to soak my brain.

 

I Eat Pieces Of Crap Like You For Breakfast

First of all, I wanna share this little gem, wherein a (possibly former?) editor takes a crack at reviewing self-published tripe. I mean books. And, as always, the most interesting comment-leaver has got to be Anonymous. Love that guy. I’m actually totally considering sending her a copy of my published-for-myself-and-my-sisters book, Callisto’s Charm. Especially since it’s a young adult novel written by a seventeen year old. I would love to read her comments about cliches, punctuation errors which I’ll totally make excuses about because “it’s not fair that I don’t have an agent and editor to fix my novel like those published writers” (which, BTW and FTW, is a riDONKulous complaint because nobody told you to publish it… like, seriously, by self-publishing, you’re saying you’re taking on all those aspects yourself…not getting a pass)… where were we? Oh, yes, I would love to hear her slander. But it’d be wasting her time, since it’s not a seriously published book. Le tragic sigh.

See how it’s “published” under my maiden name. Awwwww.

In other news…I. Don’t know. But this cover also makes me surly with irritation at all of those Cookie Lee covers that self-published people use. Jennifer knows to what I’m referring. Serially, people. I made that one in like five minutes. It’s not perfect. But it’s also not rhino poop on a monkey butt platter. So. Do get sober before considering mass producing a “book” who’s ugly on the inside AND the outside.

 

Screws Ups? Yes, We Can!

Today’s stories come out of San Diego. (Insert Anchorman jokes…..nnnnnnow.)

Now before those rightfully rejected thousands who mistakenly received an acceptance email from UC San Diego think to ask: no you can’t just get in based on “emotional trauma”. You just get a really funny story to tell at the community college.

And in a story where just about any of us can imagine the LOSER who truly thought it was his moment to shine: an already injured dog is beaten in the head with a hammer by a motorist, despite an offer from another motorist to drive the dog to the vet. This dude’s name was probably Curtis. You feel me, Jen.

And finally, if you’d like proof that you can commit suicide by cop without posing a legitimate danger to a single person, here it is. As a matter of fact, the fact that they first used beanbags to try and stun the guy makes it worse to me, not better. Not evidence that they tried less drastic measures first, as I’m sure they think. Unless something happened in the time between shooting him with bags and shooting him with live ammo – say, his threatening to kill anyone – I’m fairly certain you coulda tasered him. Pretty sure. What the hell, dude. Prolly coulda dialed back on the killing.

Dang, I didn’t even realize it was April Fool’s. Toooooo bad these are true.

Aaaaand sleep.

 

Dear Sweet Baby Jesus?

“And now, because the children are the future, here are the children, singing, ‘The Children…Are The Future’. Children?”

Now, while you may be wondering how there’s anything wrong with this family picture, rest assured. First. They’re British. Duh. I just wanna throw that out there so the next part isn’t so hard for you. Secondly, they’re not siblings. Yeah. The ogre-sized girl and the boy I maintain is six-and-a-quarter are the proud “parents” of the baby.  She’s 16 (which, in ogre years, is like … wait, do ogres age differently?) and he’s 13. Which, is my mind, based solely on his appearance is statutory. COME ON. Who the hell looks at that kid and thinks sexual thoughts?!? Unless you’re from some slummy suburb in England and the teen pregnancy rate is ridiculous. Now, I realize it is stupid to make statements like that when kids in America have sex and their parents stupidly consider it acceptable and where the rate of teen pregnancy is low(er) ostensibly because of the societal investment in abortion and not making said CHILD have their parent present to perform this perfectly legal “termination”.

So maybe it’s the fact that America is huge. And there are tons of people with differing opinions. There are tons of kids who aren’t strolling the high street at what I’m sure was a school hour, having what appeared to be dry sex in front of the Woolworth’s. In broad daylight. Comfortable because there seemed absolutely no respect for the presence of elders. Many of whom spent their days equally uselessly, living off council. And no, I’m not describing Tennessee, but only because I’ve never been there, I’m sure. Basically, there is just a distinctive feeling that I associate with being surrounded by these little monsters. Mostly because in America, I’ve never seen a pregnant thirteen year old get served in a pub. While asking for a cigarette.

The point is. Sadness. For trizzle. Because the latest news on this “couple” is that when she turns sixteen – oh, my bad, she’s still 15 – she can move into a free council-housing apartment and if he moves in, because of how young he is (and probably something to do with the fact that he can’t reach the counter) – she will become his legal guardian and get the same benefits as a single mother of two. Because this is the other thing that confounded me about these kids. They were completely encouraged by the system and had seemingly no repercussions for their actions and certainly no incentive to do anything differently. Let’s give them a free house, free income “assistance”… because when you can become the legal guardian of your lover, there’s nothing wrong with this picture. Aside from that it’s hideous and evil. O_O

I’m crying on the inside.

 

UPDATED: Things That Make You Go “Dang!”

Wow. I, too, was like…. sometimes you gotta know when to leave something alone. Covers for the sake of covers or because people want to believe that every generation has an Etta James is ridiculous and infuriating. But, um, … I’m not sure how to feel about Etta’s tirade against Beyonce. I have often thought the girl overrated and irritating. And maybe it’s just because I remember the night she sang all of the selections at the Oscars beautifully or that I just fell in love with her after hearing her sing “America, The Beautiful” to close the We Are One Inaugural Concert thingy. Because when Cadillac Records came out, I probably rattled off some anger at her daring to play Etta James, let alone releasing a single covering “At Last”. There is only one “At Last”. There will only ever be one “At Last”. … So why did I first smirk and then feel weird about Etta’s words? I have no idea. I guess I thought I thought she’d be too classy to bother commenting on Beyonce Knowles. (shrug)

INSERTED AS EXHIBIT A)

And if you don’t know who James Whitmore is… you’re horrible. Or if you think he’s the old guy in Shawshank Redemption. If you said he’s the thug (named Slug) from Kiss Me Kate?! You’re fabulous. And right. He was wonderful, even though I routinely fastforward through “Brush Up Your Shakespeare”… only because, come on, with the songs you have to choose from in that movie (Howard Keel, Katherine Grayson, Anne Miller, Tommy Rall and Bob Fosse and Bobby Van), I’m not gonna watch two thugs purposely screw up the dance sequence. Le sigh. I know what I’m watching tonight.

 

S— Just Hit The Fan

I must have had my television off for the six months that they ran this story around the clock, with every media outlet sending correspondents to Galveston, Texas to get the family’s sentiments. The only logical explanation is that I’ve been in a coma and none of my family wanted to bother me with such news as I awakened. Because – SURELY – a country that made a TV movie like the DAY after that white, female soldier was rescued liberally applying Josh Groban’s “You Raise Me Up” … and ruining it…(….didn’t we later find out that the other female soldier who was in custody beyond that point was a black woman?)… SURELY in a country where we couldn’t get enough of that Elizabeth Smart kidnapping (despite a. the fact that she was like a dozen blocks from home the whole time and b. there was a much younger black girl who was kidnapped, chewed through her ropes and ran home in the same time period as the Smart kidnapping)… SURELY this country has been turned inside out over this story.

12 year old.

Attacked.

Beaten.

Indicted?!

My math must be bad.

You want us to stop talking about race? A) Build a bridge and get over it. You’ve got another 400 years. B) GIVE ME A BETTER EXPLANATION, an explanation that is relevant and tangible and makes sense in this society.

(BTW, I heard about this on my brotherIL’s blog.)

 

Gripes? We got ‘em!

Once again, we are expected to believe that a woman would knowingly, wittingly and WILLINGLY leave Christopher Meloni and all his foreheaded goodness for Richard. Gere. Where…am I? Is this the merry old land of Oz? Who keeps casting these men in the same movie with RICHARD. GERE. as the lead? Can someone lose a job, if not more? For verily I say unto thee. Nay. *shakes head* Nay. Needless to say, if you wanna get a new agent, Christopher Darling, I’m…radically incompetent. BUT. Very pretty.

Now seems like a good time to mention the two-night-long-dream of Vincent D’onofrio. To be fair, the first night, the dream was actually about Robert Goren. The next night it was about the real Vincent. If you don’t see the connection between this paragraph and the first, get. out. Get off my page. Now. And how lame am I that I really had to look up his imdb page to make sure he really is married. ‘Cause, you know, my being married and not knowing him now or in the future have little to do with it.

Can I stab the “men” of NKOTB, only one of whom seems to demonstrate the necessary shame (and probably only because his last name is Wahlberg) … is it weird that the dude who looked like a monkey when I was ten still looks like a monkey? Or proof that I was never cruel, just daringly accurate? You decide.

Can I be plenty mad that Britney Spears and MTV think they’re funny. Stop me – WAIT. I just saw a picture of Dj-ji-ji-mon with the thing. Gawd, she looks boring next to him. … Clearly I’d rather internet surf than write. TOODLES.

ONE MORE THING:

I have a couple of questions for this picture. Beaucoup des questions. Um, does the one in white look like a retarded kid who is about to “throw down” with an inanimate object? And… Joe, is it? In the middle… who did NOT tell you that Superman 7 is already cast? And finally, you there… on the slow boat to Vegas lounge-singing? Yes, you. Please dial back on the smirk that shows you just might think you’re sexier than the mirror would attest. In conclusion… I like that Burnin Up song.

 

All You Can Eat Beef.

So my only political commentary shall be on Palin’s “hypocrisy”. And keep in mind that I’m referring to the commentary of a gossip column writer, so… Here’s the thing. How do the actions of one’s daughter – who this country seem hell-bent on making a sexualized minor-adult – make one’s own abstinence-only education hypocritical? Hein?? I don’t quite get that. So, I can’t have an opinion about something that my child might not uphold? In a country where gynecologists routinely have “private” discussions with said children because it’s no longer a parent’s business whether or not their child is sexual active/HIV positive/pregnant??! Really? You’re making a generation of soulless, unaccountable cockhounds but “only because teenage sexual activity is so pervasive”. Has anyone noticed that the “cure” (which is to secretly give children condoms – which hell yeah teach kids not to do something….wait – and to keep a child’s abortion secret…. what were we talking about? Accountability?) is actually perpetuating the problem?!

Here’s the thing. You can’t have it both ways. Either morality has to do with religious faith or the two are separate (if we pretend it’s up to you). So either the Palin lady is amoral (for her daughter’s pregnancy) and therefore a hypocrite for claiming to uphold any such beliefs OR it means absolutely nothing and is therefore not newsworthy. Which is it.

Other than that… did you know your 12 year old daughter could be ONE LESS? Woman to enter high school with her hymen intact.

I hate people.